Monday, 9 April 2012

Day 29: Slipping Up, Paying the Price and Hunting for an Exercise Buddy

Hello one and all! I'm going to start with a confession. I messed up last night and today with my eating. It sucks, I feel so ashamed and upset with myself. Here's the story...

One of my brothers bailed last night for dinner. So, because I was peeved, I decided that I would eat his steak and save the turkey breast for my mom and I. Sort of good intentions. Right? Wrong. I had a bit of my grilled potatoes (so freakin delicious, you don't even know). I had some barbeque sauce with them. And I had half of the grilled asparagus I made. And mushrooms and onions on my steak. And barbeque sauce on my steak. Even still, not awful, right? Then... I ate two white dinner rolls. Calorie wise, fat wise, sodium wise, not terrible just white flour. Then I did the unthinkable. I ate the dark chocolate bunny my parents gave me in a single sitting. While I browsed the web on my iPad. So bad. Worst part?

I didn't even enjoy it. I didn't even savor it. It was like the past four weeks meant nothing. I absent-mindedly ate for the sake of eating.

This morning,I woke up feeling gross, and decided to make it up to myself. For breakfast, I meant to have eggs and fruit. I ended up cleaning and doing laundry instead. So my well-intentioned breakfast became two pieces of (whole wheat) toast with peanut butter and orange, peach and mango jam. Not awful, I thought. I made myself a snack of Greek yogurt and berries. I was patting myself on the back about that. Then I came home for lunch. I was starving. I shopped a bit after work to pick up things to really keep myself on track. Ezekiel bread and tortillas. Greek yogurt. More eggs to hard boil. I even picked up Popsicle molds to make myself Greek yogurt Popsicles. Yay me, right? Nope! I came home, and I was peeved because of... Someone being here. Doesn't matter who. And I was mad, and I ate a massive bowl of stew while I fumed. And before I knew it, I had eaten four dinner rolls too. I couldn't even finish the stew when I realized what I had done. I actually felt sick. Here I am, working so hard to lose weight and get in shape and be healthy, and here I am, pigging out like nothing has changed.

I was so mad. To distract myself, I made my Popsicles. Blueberry and strawberry. I'll let you know how they turn out.

I was so mad. I went downstairs, scrubbed my makeup off, changed, and got working out. As some kind of twisted punishment, I decided to do sprints today in addition to my weights. I ran for one minute at 8 MPH, and walked for two minutes to catch my breath. For a total of five times. Then I moved right into my workout. I did three sets of all my exercises, even the ab ones, allowing myself thirty seconds of rest before moving on to the next one. And after I stretched and straightened up more, that person showed up. So I'm sitting in the living room in silence blogging, hoping to not have to deal with that person. And I'm suddenly having these epiphanies. About why I eat and why I have issues with food, and I'm realizing...

I can't expect to change my life by simply changing my behavior. I have to change the way I think about myself, and about food. I have to look inside myself and find my reason for overeating. I have to ask myself why I would rather eat crap than take care of myself.

This is going to be an intensely personal experience. I will start journaling my thoughts and feelings, and see if I can come to a conclusion. When I get there, I'll be more than happy to share. But for now, it's just me. But please do let me know if you would be interested in reading about my reasoning, thoughts and feelings. I feel like I don't get any feedback here, and I guess I don't. Maybe that would help me.

Anyways, guys, that's all for me. Have a good night.

PS I'm thinking a workout buddy is a good idea for me right now. I don't know anyone who would be interested though.

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